Checking in

It’s getting more and more confusing as emotional ties become apparent.

I have to make two major decisions, preferably fast as one will affect the lives of others.

I see myself depending to an extent on the therapist and I am not sure if this is healthy.

I don’t want to bring hurt and tears to people, but I don’t want to be in a situation where I will remain unhappy either.

The body has kept up well though there was one day when I fell asleep for two hours purely due to stress.

There is isolation, I can’t bring myself to see a movie or talk with friends about arbitrary things. This is the third day that I will stay home.

I am very, very scared. Of taking responsibility and facing the consequences. I feel alone.

There is also a certain situation that has made me feel discarded and lowered my self-esteem. Whether I am right in feeling this way or not is an interesting question, but irrelevant to the way I feel.

It is difficult to think straight or write, as is evident from this post, so I indulge in focusing activities like online scrabble and vocab tests.

I do not think it right to discuss these issues with friends. No one wants to be bothered and brought down by unhappiness. I don’t blame them, I am the same. And why not? When you are struggling with questions of your own, whether major or minor, you really don’t need more from people around you. So I pay for discussion and I think others should too.

The thing is, that even when you are in a funk, you still notice the feline grace of your cat, you still laugh at Homer Simpson, you still sigh over Marquez’s magic realism – so why not share that? Why talk of things for which you know you are the only one who can find solutions.

And I will. I have to.

Actually to be honest, I am losing the will to change. The status quo entices.