Rubbish

Have not been writing recently cos I’ve been feeling sort of ‘obligated’ to write happy stuff, interesting stuff, instead of the whiny poor-me stuff that I usually do.

Thought to myself that there is no point writing about sad things, better to wait for happy things to write about.

I don’t want to appear silly, self-centred, full of self-pity. But I am all those things. And unless I do write about them, how will I ever get over them?

Besides, this is supposed to be my space, right? So if people don’t like it they can just go someplace else.
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So I have been feeling very conflicted about work. Whether it is worth dealing with all the shit that boss woman puts me through for a dream. Whether hanging on here will get me closer to the dream. Whether I have the talent to realize the dream.

Lots of negative thoughts resulting in an immense waste of energy.

I want to change this around. The key is to be positive – yes, the old cliché. I can’t go on, waking up each morning with this self-doubt. To be honest, I haven’t even given myself a proper chance here, haven’t taken enough initiative, haven’t asserted myself, laid down the law as to what I consider within my work and what I don’t and simply will not do.

I want to stop hunching and walk tall.

It is confusing.

A few days ago I decided to stay on till the 15th, till after the workshop and then take a fifteen day vacation alone. Maybe even check in to a meditation retreat for a couple of days and make a solid decision and then stick to it. I am too confused here to figure out what’s good for me and what isn’t. The more people I talk to, the more confusing it gets. And in the end it’s I who have to live the hours, not B or J or whoever else. So I have to make the decision for myself and live by it.