Indian Curry Rhapsody (sung to the tune of 'Bohemian Rhapsody')

Reminds me when Jo, L, the Englishman and I went to Shimla for Easter weekend last year. We sang 'Bohemian Rhapsody' the whole way driving there. The Englishman and L are very Christian and very religious. L met up with a white missionary and his family in the guest house where we were staying and the entire family stood in a row in the lawn (with hands clasped like in 'Sound of Music' - very quaint, intensely funny) to sing us some Easter song. Jo and I had been cracking Christian jokes (out of L's and the Englishman's ear shot) the night before. I leaned to her and said from the corner of my mouth "Should we sing them Bohemian Rhapsody?" Her face turned red from supressed laughter!

This ones dedicated to all palefaces on an India trip who suffered from Delhi Belly...

Naan, just killed a man,
Poppadom against his head Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead
Naan, Dinner's Just Begun
But Now I'm Gonna Crap it All Away
Naan, ohhhh ohhhhhh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen Nothing Yet Just See the Loo Tomorrow
Curry On, Curry On Cause Nothing Really Madras

Too Late, My Dinner's Gone,
Sends Shivers Down my Spine
Rectum Aching All the Time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta Leave You All Behind And Use the Loo
Nann, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh
The Dopiaza is so Mild
I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All
Curry On, Curry On Cause Nothing Really Madras

I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, Pass the Chutney Made of Mango
Vindaloo Does Nicely Very Very Spicy Meat
Byriani (Byriani) Byriani (Byriani) Byriani and a Nann (A Vindaloo loo loo loo)

I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me
He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lavatory
Stand you Well Back Cause the Loo is Quarantine
Here it Comes There it Goes Technicolour Yawn
I Chunder NO! It's Coming up Again (There he Goes)
Coming Back Again (Up Again)
Here it Goes Again (No, No, No, No, No, No NO)
On my Knees I'm on my Knees
On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes
This Vindaloo It's About to Wreck my Guts
Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee....

(Guitar Solo)

So you Think you can Chunder and Feel Alright?
So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night?
Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby
Just had to Come out It Just had to Come Right out in Here

(Reprise)
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference To meee....
Anyway, my wind blows....shshshsh

The Creature / Everlasting

Sitting on the balcony last night, sipping tea with Mom, I spied the creature.

Thought it was a cat at first, climbing a tree, so stealthily – walking along the ledge, trying to get into the kitchen window of the flat opposite.

But as it made its way down we realized it was much too heavy to be a cat, more furred, shorter legs, bushier tail – and a snouty face.

Six months ago the weird Mrs. Jain in her deadpan way came up to my mother and asked her if she had seen the ‘jaanwar’.

‘Itna bada hai. Raat ko ghumta hain.’

My mom thought she was mad.

It crossed the road and made its way to the park opposite, and we saw Aunty dog chase after it at top speed. (Why is she called Aunty dog? Long story.) We heard her yelp a few times. Then the chowkidar got there with his torch too. I went in but mom says she saw eyes glowing on the wall. And heard a strange animal sound, which she couldn’t describe or emulate. (Kraz – another ‘e’!)

We considered that it might be a very large mongoose. But mongeese (don’t care if that’s not the plural, I like that word) don’t climb trees, plus it was much too large. Mom thought it might be a bandicoot, so we looked up pictures of bandicoots on the net – but they didn’t look right. Also looked up ‘wild cats’ but it didn’t have a cat face, more of a snout.

Mom says it must have escaped from the zoo. But how could it negotiate all the traffic? The zoo is about 15 kms away. ‘Poor thing – do you think it has family?’ ‘No mom, it seemed like a loner to me.’

I’m glad I saw the creature. I’m glad he (she?) lives in our colony. I’m glad it’s mysterious. I feel as if I found out what it was, all the mysteries of life would be revealed.

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Last night I went over to my in-laws for dinner. They recently got back from Mumbai and my father-in-law as usual, had been busy with the handycam.

This time he had put together a ‘music video’ starring my mom-in-law. Based on an old Bengali song, the words of which I could not understand, but he explained them as ‘You and I have been together so long, but I still do not know you and you still do not know me. Let’s discover each other.’

My mom-in-law is in her late-fifties and my father-in-law is over sixty. He’d shot her in the hotel room. She snuggling in bed and smiling at him. Combing her hair and adjusting the pleats of her sari in the mirror. Drinking tea, contemplating, sitting by the window looking at the building opposite.

It was very, very beautiful.

And she sat beside me telling me how nice the hotel room had been. ‘Sports complex mein. Woh dekho room mein…’ And he would cut her short ‘Deepti chup kor! Let her watch!’ :) And she would nudge me and grin as if to say ‘Hee hee he thinks he’s Mrinal Sen!’

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She wanted to stop reading it...But she had nothing better to do!

The Blog

...

You could've asked me how my day was.

Rested

Ate, slept - sometimes the source of stress is its solution.

Stress Attack!

When you are in a high-stress situation you will not be able to eat. You will feel hungry, you will feel the acid level rising in your stomach, but you will not be able to chew. You will burp a lot. You will not feel the need to brush your teeth since the acid level in your mouth will make your teeth squeaky clean. Your breath however, will smell unpleasantly of bile.

You will lose the three kilos that you were so proud to have put on.

You will not be able to sleep at night, and you will not be able to get out of bed during the day.

You will try to go about your day as usual, thinking that this is the way to control the stress, and to save those close to you from distress. You will try to read, you will force yourself to blog. You will act normal and happy and cheery. But you will not be able to fool your mom.

And when your charade has continued for too long, your body will break down and you will weep uncontrollably and fall asleep for short spells. You will finally give in to your body’s wisdom and feel much better for it.

And when evening draws close, and your mind tells you you must get out of the house, you will shun your close, perceptive friend and choose the other whom you can fool.

You may decide to go for a film, hoping that the emotionally overwrought state you’ve been through will heighten the film experience. And of course, you will realize you’re a nut for hoping so!

God Exists

I lay in the dark, next to my niece, stroking her hair, observing the tears run down from the corners of my eyes to collect in pools in my ears.

The tears came from the depths of my soul. I was crying as I haven't in a long, long time.

And then I got not one call, but three from close friends. Bible-toting L said he just called to check on me and see if I was okay. There is no way he could've known.

The Jokester knew right away that there was something wrong. He insisted on coming over even though I was downright rude in putting him off. We went out for coffee and talked about music and life and laughed.

He may throw temptation in my way, He may make decisions imperative and difficult, but at least He didn't leave me friendless last night.

Superstar

I don't know what it is
That makes me feel like this
I don't know who you are
But you must be some kinda superstar!

Currently absolutely nuts about this song. It's not Floyd or The Doors - but has a great groove - trust a black woman to lend funk to pop!

Started in Goa when I saw two guys grooving to it. Rekindled Thursday night.

Title linked to mp3 download!

Naughty

If I were to say to God, "I have sinned...but he has a great sense of humour..."


Would I be forgiven? :)

My Mad Spouse! / One of the boys

B was here for two days.

The first night we went out to see a late night movie, got back at 1.30 am. There was no electricity, but I failed to convince him that it was cool enough to sleep with the windows open.

He spent two hours – from 2 to 4 am playing with my limp body while I pretended to be asleep (hoping he would get tired of the game but no such luck!). Amongst the things he did were sing ‘Vande Mataram’ and make my arm raise a fist into the air, then both were raised – AR Rahman style (Vandeeeeeee!) – the song was repeated about ten times. Then it was the ‘Beam up, Scotty’ routine from Star Trek…

The second night he went for a meeting with a client. She drank apple juice while he had two beers and arrived at my Mom’s quite buzzed. My sister said she was going to a friend’s to watch a movie on his newly acquired projector. B asked who the friend was and on learning that the friend’s name was the decidedly feminine ‘Mun Mun’, decided that he just had to go along and meet this friend. He convinced me that it was absolutely essential to do so – ‘If you want to be a film maker you have to meet Mun Mun – figure out what it feels like to be him…’ Sis and I decided to humour him so we all drove to Mun Mun’s. Many jokes in the car – What’s Mun Mun’s girlfriend’s name? Chun Mun (my masterpiece that!) B very excited to meet Mun Mun.

When we get there he suddenly turns very sober. Greets Mun Mun very formally and immediately wants to leave to see ‘Cheech and Chong’ at D’s place. Seven of us end up watching the flick, which seemed like the next generation of cinema since you could see the dope cloud on the screen and smell it in the room as well…

Today he had a train to catch at 4.55 pm. And he needed to go to the bank before he left. There was no food at home since the gas had finished so we decided to go out. I waited for an hour while he chatted uselessly on the computer – absolutely stupid thirteen year-old stuff – gassing with a friend and exchanging creative swear words… Finally at 3.30 I threatened to go without him. He agreed to go and shuts down. I then realized that it was 3.30.

It’s 3.30! That means we can’t go eat! You need to leave by 4 – latest 4.15. So we’ll just have to rush to the bank.

Oh yeah, you’re right.

Let’s go then. You have packed right?

Looks up to me – eyes wide open – Hell no!

We somehow make it back by 4.25 and he goes off in the cab, only to return 10 mins later since he took the car keys with him in the rush…

Calls at 5 – I’m in the train! Guess what…the train had started moving – I had to jump in!


He drives me round the bend, but the ride is kinda fun!
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I have been concerned for a while now that all my friends are male. Voiced this concern to The Jokester the other day, and he said that it was normal and that none of his women friends had women friends. It’s because women get very jealous and insecure around each other. Men are fine with other men being better looking, more popular, better drummers etc. It’s only when two men want the same woman that there’s war. But otherwise men are okay with each other and hence can be friends but women can’t. Hmm :-/

I read and hear about girlie nights out, watching sob flicks and discussing depilation and make up but I’ve never been part of a girl gang. :- (

But today I absolutely realized I’ve been one of the boys for way too long when my friend asked me in all seriouness – Do you sometimes feel it would be better to have a big bushy moustache?

:-/

The Human Person

Was going through my therapy coursework today:


Because no two individuals ever have identical heredity endowments or the same environmental experiences, one can never predict with accuracy how people will react to a situation.


Damn right. And more disturbing:


While it is unquestionably true that some stages of growing up are marked by more difficult behaviour than others, there is no stage when the characteristic behaviour is not “problem behaviour”. Many of these difficult, unsocial, and often hard to understand forms of behaviour which appear at different times during the growing up years will gradually wane and disappear, only to be replaced by other forms of behaviour as difficult to understand and live with as the ones that have just been outgrown.


Great. Isn’t that just wonderful.

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The time has come for us to be strong again, I said to myself. She nodded, and we held each other close.

Three

This is the funniest sms I have ever received – from anybody, ever!

Ii realized tht I just spoke 2 u.But i’m quite drunk.So I dont remember wat i said.Shud I come 2 the place or not?
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Went to a Bhakti geet concert in Nehru Park yesterday evening – bhajans and qawalli – felt like a soul massage.

Ishq had se nikal jaye to bimari hain,
Ishq had se nikal jaye to bimari hain,
Ishq had mein rahein to adaakari hain!

(Rough translation:

Love that exceeds limits is a disease
Love that stays within limits is a pretense!)
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Something I came across on bash.org. Since I just got a modem, and turned down an invitation to party on Saturday night to stay up chatting online, am a little concerned!

dine-sa: no it won't MoP, amusment park jobs actually suck
dine-sa: I had a friend who worked at six flags all summer.
SA-MoP: dine had a friend! *dies* :D
SA-Metathrom: Hehe
dine-sa: :P it was before I had a modem
SA-MoP: lol ok

One of my favourite paintings

'Goldfish' by Matisse

Hallelujah! / Girl Watching / Swami Ramananda

Hallelujah! I’m finally online! After much trial and tribulation, getting a LAN card installed, buying a new keyboard since the jealous cat had peed on it twenty thousand times while I was away (I think in his sweet little brain he thought the computer had swallowed me up), getting a new CD drive so that the modem software could be installed…I am finally...online. Still lots of hiccups owing to this being a five year old machine – you can’t see my pretty face as you chat with me and the whole machine suddenly shuts down for no apparent reason (I did get the power cable and plug strip changed too so can’t be that). But, I am ONLINE!
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Went to see a Kitano film yesterday. Well, tried to see a Kitano film yesterday...the Jokester was sweet enough to say he’d go with me – I totally bullied him into it, and he almost had a heart attack on the way there when he found out it was in Japanese with sub-titles! Anyway, we got there and it wasn’t on, an error in damn ‘First City’. I should sue them. Was so embarrassed. And the Jokester wouldn’t let me hear the end of it! He thoroughly enjoyed my discomfort and kept making digs at me ("Damn, the one Japanese movie that I've waited my whole life to see - how could you do this woman!" etc etc). We ended up at Priya where we spent three quarters of an hour drinking local chai (not the machine type – please!) and sitting on the sidewalk while he instructed me in the art of girl watching. It was very informative. I thought he would be really superficial and go for great figures and lots of skin but it wasn’t like that at all. A woman who scored high had to be comfortable with what she was wearing, have an open and friendly face - doesn't have to be a stunner, SHOULD NOT BE TEETERING ON STILETTOES (it’s okay to wear them if you can walk in them!), should not hunch, should look confident, he doesn’t go for the intellectual looking types though. Oh and he prefers them covered and not with everything hanging out. Also was instructed in the fundamental principles (Never check out a woman less than 20 feet away, if they figure out you're checking them out they get all snooty.) Of course I supplied the mandatory feminist outrage – maybe she’s wearing it cos she’s feeling hot, so what if she wants to attract attention, what’s wrong with that?, how can you judge her entire character by what she’s wearing on one evening? etc. But I pretty much ended up agreeing with him :) Sorry womankind I did try to defend thee.
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Went to dinner with the Ducati Dreamer last night after avoiding him and putting him off for a while. We have known each other far too long to just cut off. Relationships are complicated, people are complicated – as long as I lay down the rules and boundaries and stick to them strictly we should be able to remain friends.
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Something else rather strange happened last night. But I know that will be fine too. Trust goes a long way.
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And now finally...yet another attempt at fiction! Something I jotted down a few months ago after observing something at a traffic light.

Swami Ramananda

Swami Ramananda tried not to look. But he couldn’t keep his eyes off her.

Through the laterally inverted letters spelling ‘Chant Hare Rama Hare Krishna’ he saw her humming to herself, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. The red of her lips was richer than the red of her car. Her streaked hair framed her strong face – finely etched eyebrows, magnetic eyes.

How many times before had he felt this way – unashamed. Wasn’t it just human?, he thought to himself. And then felt the tears prick his eyeballs.

Affirmation

During a short duration of twenty-four hours, some very pleasant things have taken place:

- Someone who has known me only a short while, but with whom I have bonded, said that I did not come across as socially phobic in any way. He did notice that there were periods when I preferred being alone, but saw this as positive. This is the HUGEST TROPHY in my wall of personal achievement.

- Was reading someone’s blog – he had posted a long list of random conclusions he has come to – from ‘Women are the source of all evil’ to ‘It’s time to move on’. And towards the bottom, one of the conclusions read ‘Cactus writes beautifully’. Gawrsh geez! Completely unexpected. Totally flattering.

- A young woman who I know from blogville and whom I chatted with for the first time said I was very high on her sexy list - strange, but flattering nonetheless.

- But the most treasured of all – a friend chose to share with me intimate details of a traumatic past, including what he sees as a shameful act. The fact that he trusts me so deeply is the best compliment I could ever receive. I will never betray that trust.