Schizophrenia / "Friends"

It’s a strange paradox that I have been going through the last few weeks.

Fluctuating between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone. And one of the feelings is not the tone for the day, it keeps changing throughout the day, every few hours, throwing me off my feet.

I know I have worked very hard at being okay with being alone. To be alright being by myself, to not get depressed. And I can’t understand why my mind is behaving this way.

For example, last night when the Ducati Dreamer (‘J’ of posts previous) invited himself over to watch Pulp Fiction I was glad of the company since I had not been looking forward to spending the evening alone. But then when he came, I found myself wishing he wasn’t here so that I could bathe, read, write, do my own thing.

I’ve been going out alone a lot recently – bought a bunch of tickets for the film festival – and every time I have to go to see one of them, alone again, this horrible wave of sadness comes over me, but once I’m in the hall I’m absolutely fine and am glad that I don’t have to chat with anyone.

Went to see Meenaxi alone this morning, feeling kinda sorry for myself, when I got a message from the Englishman inviting me to have a drink this evening. And instead of feeling glad that someone was thinking of me, I found myself thinking of ways to get out of it.

Then when I came online and saw no replies to my emails and no-one online on messenger I felt extremely low.

I don’t get me.

Is this a good thing, finding my mind interesting enough such that I don’t need company? I’m scared that it’s terribly unhealthy.

Is this the path to becoming a recluse? (Or a schizophrenic?)

And this brings me to something else that's been on my mind for a few weeks...What is friendship anyway? It seems to me that there is always someone in my life that I most like being with, and then we grow apart or there is a misunderstanding, and I replace that person with someone else. And so it goes on. It seems horrible to me and not the way it should be.

Any clarity on the two issues in this post will be much appreciated.