Yearning / Self Centred

Will you teach me how to cook your famous prawn pasta? Giggling in the kitchen, sipping wine.

Will you argue that ‘The Last Question’ is in fact, not the mother of all stories?

Will you read out the abstract piece you wrote about cutlery before we fall asleep?

Will you run your hand up my back so that the warmth of your palm strengthens my spine?


Sweet stranger, won’t you step out of my mind and walk with me?
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I have never been able to talk to people about things that have affected me. Not in school or college, not till a few months ago. Two people I have told this fact to recently were shocked – the Jokester and a Senior Counsellor at the centre where I work.

I never did cos my friends came from such different backgrounds that I knew they wouldn’t be able to relate. And I always felt that I was being self-centred, making mountains out of molehills, at least that’s the message I got from my family.

And when I grew up and talked to lovers and boyfriends, I would get quick fix remedies, they would try to solve things for me in ten minutes so that it would all be tied up and we could move on to the next movie or party or dinner.

All I wanted was to be heard. And held.

I thank the sweet angels who guided me to blogville. Mindless, bored surfing led to a diamond mine. I think it has been this blog where I have expressed myself obtusely and been accepted, that has given me the courage to open up, at least a little, in the real world.

The Jokester said that he always thought of me as a really strong person, as the epitome of ‘woman power’ – I’m glad I have been able to strip that mask away and say ‘No, I’m not okay’, and know that that’s fine.

To the bloggers who have tried to reach out, you know who you are, thank you. I will not sob on your shoulder, but just the fact that you wrote in is enough. I will not call, but I have your number stored in my phone and it comforts me when I chance upon it.
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Talk of irony, the last five days when B was here and the family too, I was busy editing day and night and did not get to see any of them. And now when I’m finally about to get free everyone’s left.

The editing thing hasn’t been fun. The producer overestimated my experience and skill and I haven’t been able to live up to her expectations. Feeling quite stressed and physically unwell.
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Bible-toting L (plain L of previous posts) just sent me a message asking me to call him cos he needed an excuse to get out of some place.

Afraid I did a really terrible job – told him he had to get his ass here cos the house was on fire – and he started giggling and stuff – don’t think it would have looked very convincing on the other end!