Girl Talk

I go to my husband’s bank to withdraw money, a national bank.

The woman behind the counter is extra-friendly. She asks my name, says she’s seen me come in before with my husband and that she and the other staff discussed how B ki missus kitni sweet hai. I smile nervously and squirm.

She calls me beti and tells me to please write at the back of a deposit slip ‘YK Gupta and Yashwant Kumar Gupta one and the same person’. Pictures of the multinational bank where I have my own account flash in my mind – the spartan cleanliness, staff older than me calling me ‘Ma’am’. I meekly write what she asks me to. Next is ‘M Sinha and Mahesh Sinha one and the same person.’

I glance at the time on my phone, afraid I’m going to be late.

She asks me how long I’ve been married.

Four years.

Any issue?

No.

Why??

I smile shyly, evade the question by feigning feminine modesty.

I get asked about my background, whether the cultural differences between me and my husband have ever been a problem, whether we stay with my in-laws, what I cook him for dinner…

Achcha, tum kuch bindi-sindoor vagehra nahin pehenti, mother-in-law kuch bolti nahin hai kya?

Pehle bolti thi… par ab give up kar diya.

Mrs. Mehta behind the counter. Salwar-kameez, glasses on a chain, gold in her ears.

Me, in front. Jeans, black finger nails, sans jewellery of any kind.

She pauses, stops counting money. Looks up, directly into my eyes — and bursts out laughing. I join in her laughter. And in that moment, woman to woman, we connect.

Bheja Fry

Stark naked
She sits
Alone
Silently
Reflecting

Who cares
What the fuck you’re eating
When you aren’t a part of me

He drops the phone, smashes in two
Then the mouse as well
Jealously meows


Damn I wish I was a poet!

Bheja fry after six days of working non-stop and little sleep. Just got home. Cat is angry that I’ve been away all day. Can’t sleep. Sipping tea. Something nice about hearing the keys go click-clack, but have nothing to say.

Wish I had internet at home so I could chat with one of you beautiful people, or at least read up on your interesting blogs.

Too late to even call anyone, except maybe the Ducati Dreamer, getting a temporarily disconnected message on his number.

Aaah cat has decided to be nice and has stopped flinging my stuff off the desk. Sitting, purring in my lap as I type, watching my hands on the keyboard – bliss! Now looking up at me adoringly…

How are you doing tonight, beautiful folk. You down south, did you notice how lovely the moon is tonight? The two of you from different parts of the country, now at different corners of my city – are you enveloped in the warm cocoon of sleep? I shall stay awake and stop the cobwebs from getting into your dreams. And you, at the opposite end of the globe – howz ur day going? Did the sun shine down on you as you drove to work today?


Apologies, as I said - bheja fry!!

Yearning / Self Centred

Will you teach me how to cook your famous prawn pasta? Giggling in the kitchen, sipping wine.

Will you argue that ‘The Last Question’ is in fact, not the mother of all stories?

Will you read out the abstract piece you wrote about cutlery before we fall asleep?

Will you run your hand up my back so that the warmth of your palm strengthens my spine?


Sweet stranger, won’t you step out of my mind and walk with me?
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I have never been able to talk to people about things that have affected me. Not in school or college, not till a few months ago. Two people I have told this fact to recently were shocked – the Jokester and a Senior Counsellor at the centre where I work.

I never did cos my friends came from such different backgrounds that I knew they wouldn’t be able to relate. And I always felt that I was being self-centred, making mountains out of molehills, at least that’s the message I got from my family.

And when I grew up and talked to lovers and boyfriends, I would get quick fix remedies, they would try to solve things for me in ten minutes so that it would all be tied up and we could move on to the next movie or party or dinner.

All I wanted was to be heard. And held.

I thank the sweet angels who guided me to blogville. Mindless, bored surfing led to a diamond mine. I think it has been this blog where I have expressed myself obtusely and been accepted, that has given me the courage to open up, at least a little, in the real world.

The Jokester said that he always thought of me as a really strong person, as the epitome of ‘woman power’ – I’m glad I have been able to strip that mask away and say ‘No, I’m not okay’, and know that that’s fine.

To the bloggers who have tried to reach out, you know who you are, thank you. I will not sob on your shoulder, but just the fact that you wrote in is enough. I will not call, but I have your number stored in my phone and it comforts me when I chance upon it.
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Talk of irony, the last five days when B was here and the family too, I was busy editing day and night and did not get to see any of them. And now when I’m finally about to get free everyone’s left.

The editing thing hasn’t been fun. The producer overestimated my experience and skill and I haven’t been able to live up to her expectations. Feeling quite stressed and physically unwell.
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Bible-toting L (plain L of previous posts) just sent me a message asking me to call him cos he needed an excuse to get out of some place.

Afraid I did a really terrible job – told him he had to get his ass here cos the house was on fire – and he started giggling and stuff – don’t think it would have looked very convincing on the other end!

Alive, Kicking and Dead Tired!

Gawrsh - so many people worried about me! I been fine beautiful folk - just really busy. Wrote the below post some days ago but wasn't able to post it...

19th Feb 12:13 am

Was planning to temporary suspend this blog this morning, but have now decided to keep it alive for a while.

Am going to meet a blog pal soon. Am surprised at myself for having extended the invite, but somehow just felt that it would be fine. Have already spoken with him twice on the phone, and he sounds even nicer than I had thought.

This is the first time that I will be meeting in person, someone I’ve met on the internet. Should be interesting.

An old blog pal has also suddenly got in touch, expressing a desire to renew our friendship. Since we have a history and he tends to be extremely touchy about remarks made, and very cautious when sharing aspects of his life, am not so sure how it will work out. Hoping it does.

Mom, sister and the niece are staying at our place for the next five days since their house is being painted. Today is the first night that they are staying here and I’m really enjoying it! Niece tends to terrorize the cat though, so need to keep a look out for that.

Husband B too returns tomorrow morning. So missed him this time. Unfortunately he’s only staying for the weekend and I’m going to be editing day and night (in fact I should be going through the darn script right now – bah!) so don’t know how much time we will be able to spend together :(

Have been enjoying interacting with the people in my counseling centre. Somehow, we all seem to be spiritually inclined – so have had conversations regarding astrology, the karma theory, the Bhagvad Gita, Gandhi, Vivekananda, Osho, the Silva method – even had a tarot card reading today!

Was in a moral dilemma yesterday. Told the Ducati Dreamer about it, and the wonderfully logical person that he is, he spelled out three options – the first to just go ahead and not think of morality or the consequences, the second to take a strong stand and nip the thing in the bud and the third if I can’t be strong to simply ignore the situation. Have opted for the third and started the ignoring process. He also insisted that I should phone him if I get confused, before taking any action, no matter what time of day or night it may be and no matter how silly I think I may be. Thank God for oldfriends. He is a dumb ass a lot of the time, but I’m so thankful that he’s helping me through this.
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And here is something I’ve wanted to post for a while, again from The Human Face, had lent it to the Jokester and got it back recently:

Our fear of being ‘different’, an outsider to the group, is deep-rooted. For many people the trouble with being a ‘normal’ person, psychologically as well as physically, is that it requires hiding a lot of oneself. Presenting an acceptable persona to the world all the time means that aspects of our inner selves are not to be acknowledged. These aspects of the self, repressed because they do not fit the persona we want to project, are called by Jung the ‘shadow’. They gather strength by not being expressed, and influence our lives from the unconscious. They can poison our psyche and become dangerous.


Relate this with Travis Bickle’s inner dialogue on the right (About Me section) and you’ll understand why he finally goes on a killing spree! The genius of the script writer – was it Paul Schrader? Can’t remember.
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1:03 am

Just went through the script, the good girl that I am! And found the following quotes on women (the film is about women’s empowerment) that I quite liked:

- A woman’s place is in the house and the senate.
- Every mother is a working mother.
- Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.

And another, unrelated to women:

Once I gave up on reality, I had so many more options!

Schizophrenia / "Friends"

It’s a strange paradox that I have been going through the last few weeks.

Fluctuating between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone. And one of the feelings is not the tone for the day, it keeps changing throughout the day, every few hours, throwing me off my feet.

I know I have worked very hard at being okay with being alone. To be alright being by myself, to not get depressed. And I can’t understand why my mind is behaving this way.

For example, last night when the Ducati Dreamer (‘J’ of posts previous) invited himself over to watch Pulp Fiction I was glad of the company since I had not been looking forward to spending the evening alone. But then when he came, I found myself wishing he wasn’t here so that I could bathe, read, write, do my own thing.

I’ve been going out alone a lot recently – bought a bunch of tickets for the film festival – and every time I have to go to see one of them, alone again, this horrible wave of sadness comes over me, but once I’m in the hall I’m absolutely fine and am glad that I don’t have to chat with anyone.

Went to see Meenaxi alone this morning, feeling kinda sorry for myself, when I got a message from the Englishman inviting me to have a drink this evening. And instead of feeling glad that someone was thinking of me, I found myself thinking of ways to get out of it.

Then when I came online and saw no replies to my emails and no-one online on messenger I felt extremely low.

I don’t get me.

Is this a good thing, finding my mind interesting enough such that I don’t need company? I’m scared that it’s terribly unhealthy.

Is this the path to becoming a recluse? (Or a schizophrenic?)

And this brings me to something else that's been on my mind for a few weeks...What is friendship anyway? It seems to me that there is always someone in my life that I most like being with, and then we grow apart or there is a misunderstanding, and I replace that person with someone else. And so it goes on. It seems horrible to me and not the way it should be.

Any clarity on the two issues in this post will be much appreciated.

Figaro! / Self Flagellation / Child Speak

Figaro!

I just don't get opera.
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Self Flagellation

So this guy who called in the 0ther day - his girlfriend of four years left him a year ago - he writes her an email, then goes to her inbox (unknown to her, he knows her password) and deletes it.

The things we do to ourselves.
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Child Speak

Poem by six-year-old niece, posted by proud aunt!

You can see by stripes
You can make even ballet
Friendship can teach you not only the schools
Helping friendship, making ballet, is very good

When you think you are going to not do these things
It will only happen if you believe
It can be by friendship, even by you
You are my best friend
You are my best friend

You can be friends with even by bad people
You have to teach them to do that and this
Then they will learn that thing
You are my best friend !

Both of us were both

I had a dream.

We were together in my dream.

We were brother and sister...mother and father...husband and wife.

And both of us were both.


- From The Princess and the Warrior


I have graduated from being lonely to being bored.

I have realized the difference between loneliness and aloneness. I have learnt to be comfortable being on my own.

But that doesn't mean I like it.

Masti ka time over kya?

Why does my mind keep flitting today?

I have been very aware of it doing so - there's this sort of puzzlement - hmm err - what next?

Bathed and went to the bank, got out money and knew I had to do some boring house shopping - detergent powder and soap.

Saw an auto and caught it, thinking I'd take it to the chemist near my home where I could make these purchases. Got off mid-way, went to a cyber-cafe, put up a post on this blog, read some others, wrote a mail.

What next? I decided that I must make my mind focus. There were small things I needed to do today - one errand to run for B in Sarvpriya Vihar, two phone calls to make on his behalf to clients - chasing payments. Tried to make a plan, decided to make a plan and stick to it but my mind wouldn't let me.

Went to the chemist, bought the stuff and am now back home, writing this crap.

What is wrong with me?

Maybe it's time now to think of working again, in earnest. Too much fun and masti?

Actually come to think of it, I'm not unhappy right now. I could stay home, the whole evening, alone, quite peacefully. But something's nagging me - telling me to get a sense of direction.

Sigh.

I do wish someone would call.

Pride Hath a Fall? / Page 3

Am feeling very good and proud of myself.

Yesterday was my first day of duty as a counselor and I was extremely nervous. Had a dream the night before that I was talking to a young girl on the phone and she could not hear me.

But after the first call it was all smooth sailing!

The reason I am proud of myself is that I managed to help a young boy who’s been having wet dreams and was feeling extremely confused and guilty.

He started off by saying could he come and meet someone at the counseling centre and I had to persuade him to try talking to me first. He started by saying he was extremely depressed and felt that there was no one he could talk to. He had a personal problem which he told to a friend and the friend went and told everyone at school and ‘ab sab meri mazaak udaa rahe hain.’ Gentle probing and assurances of confidentiality made him reveal that ‘mujhe raat ko sapne aate hain aur meri body mein kuch changes hote hain – poore bedsheet kharaab ho jaate hai’. When I asked him if he would like to talk to a male counselor he said no he was fine with me :)

What followed was a short biology lesson and reassurance that he wouldn’t get weak from it and no, he didn’t need to go to a doctor.

At the end of the call he said ‘Thank you. Aap se baat kar ke mera man halka ho gaya hai. Mein is bare mein kisee se kahe nahin pa raha tha’. :) :)

Took nine calls in total. Ranging from a mother who was paranoid that he daughter was studying too much, which was 4 hours a day, quite normal in this day and age with the Boards only a month away. In contrast was a young X class boy who was studying 14 hours a day, with five minute exercise breaks in between each hour. He said he could concentrate well and did not feel stressed as he spent 2-3 hours with his colony friends or with his family each day. He had done really well in his Pre-Boards as well. He was doing every thing right, yet felt there was something that maybe he could be doing better!
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Went to see Page 3 on Monday night – awesome!

a) Great how so many social/human issues are woven in so seamlessly – the whole Page 3 phenomenon, single women living alone, child abuse, communal violence, homosexuality, yellow journalism, the Mumbai trains :), remorse, fragility, suicide…

b) Amazing how women are the central characters, yet it hasn’t been promoted as cliched ‘strength of a woman’ crap.

c) Every dialogue in the film has a purpose. There is not one extraneous line, each line moves the film forward.

d) The last scene where the protagonist makes silent observations and smiles to herself and the last freeze frame with the super ‘A Madhur Bhandarkar Film’ – yaaaaaa – gave me goosebumps!

Am going to see it again with me mom!